the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
