I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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