fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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