Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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