Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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