i was born a porn star she said
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
