he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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