I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
