Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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