he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"