His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe