I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are