you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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