They should really pass out barf bags in church
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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