It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
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Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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