It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
