textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
