Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
