So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
