I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You ruined the universe
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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