Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
