I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.