Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
it hurts more in the daytime
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again