I think I just saw someone hide a body.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.