The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Randomize