o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
