guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
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When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
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Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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