he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?