she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
