I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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