Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts