I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants