Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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