remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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