i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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