I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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