We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
