my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
