i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
