u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize