Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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