Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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