you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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