I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.