Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
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It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
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I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?