two words...techno handjob
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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