just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap