Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
