Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.