Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
should my penis look like a turkey
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap