If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
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You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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