ugly people sure do ruin things
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
