Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
