i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
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my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.