dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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