I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
