Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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