im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
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Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
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I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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