You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize